the letter

so i wasn't supposed to hear from MassArts (the building above is a picture i got off the internet) until the middle of January, but SURPRISE i got my letter this morning (er, afternoon since i was up til five with my friends and my mom woke me up at one with the letter).

right, so, well, i got accepted.

which means i can go to school in boston as i wanted to. that means i don't have to apply to any liberal arts schools in boston because i'm pretty sure i want to do the art school thing, at least for the first year. not that i'm completely sure about that, but it seems to make some amount of sense.

i don't know if it makes sense, but liberal arts seems to make so much sense and has so many options, so i feel like i need to fabricate reasons to want to go to art school. not that i have decided which i want to attend, but i think it would be fun and interesting to go to art school and see what happens, but i feel guilty, like it's a waste of time and money. i feel as if i should go somewhere where i have all the options and not throw a year away. but would it really be throwing a year away?

the break

well over thanksgiving break i was supposed to finish a whole lotta stuff. needless to say i got caught up with friends and got barely any done.

so here is the major news( i apologize if any of this is a repeat):

i am no longer applying to the UCs because i do not want to go to either of them and it was too stressful, especially in addition to...

my early action to MassArt which is due tomorrow. but hey, i literally JUST finished it. barely got it to UPS by 4:30 pm to send it.

i am also no longer applying to Wash U. instead i am applying to a liberal arts school in boston, probably lesley university which offers a plethora of opportunities, including an art college within its boundaries (although this college, the art institute of boston, was erased from my list early on).

there is the news in sum.
college applications are hard and stressful and take way more time than one expects. writing specific concise essays are harder and less enjoyable than my statement of purpose for MassArt which i wrote to give a sense of who i am as a whole and what i dream to have in my life. doing this let me just write happily and more freely about myself instead of stressing about it being perfect and to the point and prompt that the UC essays asked for.

to celebrate i will go get a massage this weekend, hooray!

another thing i realized and need to share about the college process. don't forget this! it feels like the pivotal point in your life, it feels like the end, the deciding crown of glory. but it's not. this is just out first chance to go to college and to a certain extent it is a huge deal and the best time to decide on where and what you want to do. but there is such thing as transferring and changing schools or taking a year off. so us kids need to chill, it's okay, we have plenty of time to figure our life out. so stress to a point where it will get you to work, but when it feels hopeless remember it's not, because it so isn't hopeless, there are so so so many options. not being in the right spot the first time is not the end of the world.

the second essay

so the other night i tried to work on my UC essays. the second prompt asks you to write about an experience, moment, personal trait, etc that makes you proud and how it relates to who you are and i sat there and couldn't think of much i have been proud of. i guess i am proud of certain things, but i am so hard on myself that i am not often proud to the point of me actually remembering the moment.

after thinking a little the only things i could come up with is breaking out of my comfort zone and talking to a guy i did not know (but was familiar with), often staying home alone and not living with helicopter parents, an art piece or two, and performing in front of people two years ago.

none of these things really seem to bring me much. the best seems to be how i spend a lot of time having to guide my own life and ask my parents for help instead of them just giving it to me. it just seems a little awkward for the promt. all the others don't seem appropriate or do not have enough to relate to me to paint a full picture of me. the art pieces seem silly to write about, especially since my other essay is all about the creativity instilled within me for all my life because of the environment i grew up in.

writing about all of this, maybe i could write about my art pieces? they could help show how hard of a critic i am of myself. maybe that isn't the best picture to paint for a college. but it seems that writing this all down is helpful. i guess it is like talking to someone about it without their feedback. haha.

in other news, college letters continue to flow in. some of them seem absolutely pointless. one of my art colleges sent me a letter about how their school gives scholarships in the most general of terms and one about how they were excited i was applying to their ilustration program and to continue to look into it. there is some purpose behind this, but they could totally email me. these letters just seem like a waste of paper.

lastly, in terms of colleges, i am looking into a liberal arts school in boston because at this point i really desire to be over there with my extended family, even if it is freezing for me! at this point i am also looking to take Wash U off my list because it is a reach school for me and i doubt i would attend even if i got in, so it seems silly to apply. therefore i am hoping to replace it with a school in boston. but i need to decide soon so i can let my teachers and guidance counselors know! AH!

the portfolio

the above piece is one of my favorites from my portfolio. it is one of my many pairs of converse in oil on a 16 by 20 canvas.

on friday, mr. smith basically photographed my work for me, with a little assistance from me (thank you again). and i spent some time this week editing the photos, meaning cropping and rotating, and picking and choosing some to not be part of my portfolio and some to be a part of it.

this process sucks, i feel horrible about myself. while photographing, i was thinking that i didn have some work that i could send in and be proud of, yet as i picked and chose i came to realize that my work isn't all that great and i don't really think i have much to work with. perhaps this is just me being cynical, but i'm not feeling great about it.

i do have some hope though because i have yet to photograph a few pieces and my sketchbooks. most of these pieces i feel describe me a bit more and i like at the moment. so hopefully after this week i will feel better about my portfolio.

this weekend was a bust in terms of colleges in all other ways though. i have not touched my essays or any applications. i hope that if i talk to my mom she can help me this week after school, because it is getting closer to the time to turn things in and college is a bit more important than homework?

the yay

YAY! i finished my teacher recommendation letter for my physics teacher. writing about the class made me realize how much i liked that class and wish i had it back occasionally. it also reinforced the fact that i desire some opportunity to take real science classes. art schools have liberal arts, but not too much variety and they are often watered down as far as i know. this is not horrible in my eyes, but i will miss math and science because i do not believe they are as avidly taught at art school. bummer!

tomorrow, i hope, i am photographing pieces for my portfolio and will start picking and choosing pieces for my MassArt portfolio this weekend. i also have to finish the basic application to MassArt, along with starting my statement of purpose. hopefully my portfolio will spark inspiration for what to write about. it's tough because they only have one written portion for me to express who i am. this is less work for me, but it matters more in my eyes.

wow, i was feeling pretty confident about the whole application process until i remembered that i still have yet to finish my UC applications. poop! i need to get on my essays this weekend. gross!

the stuffs

so last night i attempted to finish two of my letter of recommendation request forms, which involves answering questions to help teachers write a letter for you. from the attempt i created a ridiculous set of answers for my art teacher. when i write, i often find myself at a loss, maybe i should mention i hate writing and resist it so much it is often done in the last 30 minutes before i'm supposed to get up for school... anyway so i just let my mind vomit go and turned that into him. this included me taking parts seriously and answering the questions, but at other times i just wrote about my day or how i had no idea what to say. putting in little details that were important to me will give him the extra view he needs from my side to write the letter, which i know he could write without my input. as for my questions for my physics teacher, i will actually take more seriously and give him good information to write about. well, not that my information for smith was bad, it just was all jumbled and not very deep.

anyway, time is closing in. UCs open on sunday and i have no essays written basically. and in a month from then i have my early action application due. guess what i will be doing over thanksgiving? besides eating pie every day.

the good news is though that my mom and i have been making "appointments" to work on college, the week before this last one, it worked, we got my CSUs done. yesterday though, my mom had work and could not help me so i was on my own for the work. i was supposed to have found out about where i needed to send SAT scores, work on essays, and finish the teacher request forms. sadly, i only got part of one of these things done.

in addition to all this, since i will be applying to my first art school, MassArt, i need to figure out my portfolio and actually start printing the application stuff out. for all my art schools, i am applying the old fashioned way, on paper. i am doing it this way because it feels more personal to me and for art schools, especially with my portfolio stuff, it is important for my personality to come across in my application. writing things by hand is more my style because i can do it anywhere and i prefer to write in bed rather than sit on the computer and type.

lastly, i have decided to apply for financial aid, yay! which means my mom and i will also have to work on FAFSA! oh goodie! i don't know if i necessarily qualify, but that is for other people to decide, not my mom or me.

the csus

yay! on wednesday october 21st, i applied to CSU Long Beach and Cal Poly. cal poly was a random, why the hell not application.

it was nice to actually get things more towards done, although if i get in i still have to send in portfolios in january of february. i had been ignoring college stuff, as mentioned before, and it was super nice to jump in and get that much done.

this week my mom and i have a "date" to jump in and start working on the UCs. i feel better about getting all this done with my first two out of the way, even though they were the easy ones. now i just have to focus and get things done. i will begin working on essays soon and i need to finish my teacher rec forms asap, but i feel like things will be okay. YAY!

the what

i can't think of a word to describe where i'm at.

i have turned in my packet to my guidance counselor meaning i have a pretty set list of colleges right now. i may add one, but i highly doubt it. i have a lot of school to apply to right now anyway. but i have my stuff for him turned in and will have an interview with my counselor in early november so he can write my letter in time for my early action at MassArt.

just as review, here are the schools i'm applying to: Berkeley, UCSC, CSU Long Beach, MassArt, Syracuse, Oberlin, Puget Sound, Wash U, MICA, CCA, and OCAD (those in bold are my top choices)

speaking of, that is big news i guess: i am applying early action to MassArt, which in art world terms means December 1st, which isn't terribly early.

yet, i am behind in everything relating to college. i was supposed to turn in my CSU application years ago and the UC applications are next. i am ignoring them all and living my life. my mom not being around and my birthday aren't really that great of excuses why i haven't been working towards my future.

what else do i have to whine about?

after being very interested in art school for a long time, liberal arts are coming back into view and becoming more of a possibility. we'll see.

lastly, i have greatly let my grandpa down by deciding to not apply to Stanford. i hear about it every time i see him and it's hard to deal with. it makes me sad that i can't make him happy by going to a place that he loved so much. it was such a big part of his life and only possible because of the GI bill and such and so it hurts me to not go where he wants me to go, but i do not believe it is what i want. it's hard to get so much repeated pressure and not have a good enough excuse to get him off my case. my mom ended up telling him off, which wasn't a bad thing in my eyes, but it just made me more sad.

i also hate when people start talking to me about things that i am avoiding cause it makes me feel bad enough within myself and then others bug me about it, i guess without realizing that i am plenty good at making myself guilty and them pushing me isn't going to help me change my ways or start working on applications. i guess this doesn't have much to do with college, but there is my rant.

the shtuff

so i emailed an old math teacher and my physics teacher from last year about my letters of recommendation and talked to smith about his. i just need to finish up my reports and packets and such and make sure my math teacher can write a letter for me.

this update has nothing special. the only thing of interest i have found today: i have a nice amount of money from my grandparents for college, should i/can i still apply for financial aid?

my mom said no, i shouldn't. smith says otherwise. i'm not sure what the etiquette is here... i was just going to try for scholarships even though i don't have many special talents to offer.

the work

so today, instead of getting school work done, i worked on my teacher recommendation forms. i printed and looked up and wrote school names and my address like one million times. i think i have figured out who i will ask for my third letter. other than that, i have to finish writing longer responses to questions for my teachers to use in their letters and start the third envelope and print more stuff out and figure a few things out. i don't know if i actually got anything done today, but i feel productive, even though looking back on it, it doesn't feel super productive.

the stress

although it has not fully activated, i foresee tons of stress in the near future. as my last post pointed out, the CSU application has started and i am having issues with it. secondly, i realized that the UC applications will be due in november and i need my teacher recs and an essay or two for their application. i hate writing essays and i don't even have one teacher for my teacher recs. now would be time to freak out! I can't decide if it makes me want to sing super freak or if i feel like the underdog.

i realize neither of those videos have to do with much, but both songs are good and super freak has been stuck in my head for days.

anyway, back to college. it is stressful and things are coming up way faster than i expected. since my mom is not around, i am in a panic, unsure how to proceed: should i wait for her to return or get help from my dad?

i think i will seek some help from my dad. other than that, i am scared to choose schools for my teacher recs because i'm still not sure about where i am applying, but i haven't been thinking about it and now i have to choose! so until i figure things out i will listen to good music and i hope you are too! wow that wasn't cheesy or stupid at all.

the blah

i just spent a while working on filling out my CSU application. it sucks! i don't know what so many parts of the application are or what they mean. i need a parent or help. this whole application process sucks. it makes me feel really stupid and confused.

for example, i was trying to tell the CSU about how i have three credits from MICA from over the summer, but they wanted graduation dates and degree information and i just took one class for credits! i am so super confused! i hate this and i am going to take a break from it for a while because i obviously can't focus on it right now. but i do need to get it in soon. ugh!

the first application

so i have filled out parts of the common application. that was a while ago though, maybe a month or so. the application for the CSUs opened yesterday and i should apply this weekend. stress, stress, stress! whee! i don't even want to go to the one CSU I am applying to, it's just a safety school. icky.

the good thing about this application is that it is easy and no essay required! yay! so it should be easy to do tomorrow, though i do have an english essay to write this weekend. we'll see how i feel tomorrow, right now it is friday night and it is a joke to even think about working on a friday!

anyway, go see cloudy with a chance of meatballs, it is the best movie ever. i loved it. that has nothing to do with college, but it's friday and i am only writing this because it dawned on me today during school that i was "late" for the CSU application even though it JUST started yesterday. i hate peer pressure and this over achieving bullshit. fuck. i'm not perfect, i only pretend to be. haha. oh jeez, this is just getting silly now.

also i swear a lot, i apologize, it's just how i am.

the ponderance

i think i may have made up that word, but it is basically me pondering things, but i wasn't going to change my blog title theme. that previous sentence was horrible, i apologize to the "grammar folk."

right so as i eat my peanut butter and chocolate chips (straight from the jar!) and for the past few months, my worry has been what specific stories are there about me in class for my teachers to write about?!?!

honestly, i spend about 17/23 of my life in the art room and maybe 3/13 of my time around mr. smith and i can't even think of a story about me in that class that says something about who i am as a student or a person. let alone for my physics class last year or my other academic teacher who continues to remain a mystery.

i have to fill out forms for each of them and it is going to be tough for me. i obviously think about myself consistently, but i don't notice things that make me "special," i just am me and i don't think about it in terms of a specific story to tell. the only story i can even think of that describes me right now is how i ended up with two different flip flops on after driving the other day because i had absent-mindedly left a second pair in my car (since i drive shoeless 21/27 times).

other than that, my brain was dwelling on leaving a few weeks ago and i realized i never wrote about it. it was this weird phase that i just thought about how sad and weird it is going to be to leave this place. not that i am particularly fond of this place, but all the same i grew up here and have roots here, so i'm attached. plus i've started finding great friends and my umbilical cord to the art room doesn't help much either. i am so, so, so ready to adventure on my own and be an independent little birdie and go sailing away from the nest and all that cheesy bullshit, but it's still an odd feeling of leaving every part of your little world behind and only taking a few pieces with you. sometimes i wish i agree with holden caulfield and think we should be able to hang onto everything, but i realize i have to also grow up. it still makes me sad though, but i guess i'll move on (and come back to visit.)

the update

on the college front, there are a few things going on: finalizing my list of schools, working on my portfolio, and my SSR packet.

the list of schools is interesting. there are a few i may not apply to and some new ones i may add. it is hard because i thought i had a pretty good list and now schools i never heard of are sending me "special" applications to their schools. so i feel like i should look into them.

then there is my portfolio, which i am working on putting together. overall, i have to find 12 to 20 pieces of my work to send to schools. i feel as if they should have some sort of unity, but at the same time express different aspects of my work. so i am slowly beginning to look at what work i have available and what schools are looking for. the three or four art schools i am applying to do not ask for specific projects with their portfolio, so i can send in any of the pieces i am proud of. the only thing that holds me back is that they do not want work from photographs. in our art class, we often work from photos, which is not completely horrible, considering out environment. it just limits what work i feel i can put in there. i also wonder, if i use a photo simply as a reference instead of copying it if that still counts as working from a photograph. also, many of the photos i have copied, i took myself so that it would be my artwork through and through. so it's a tough call, but i'll figure it out.

lastly, there is my SSR packet (secondary school report), which is basically a packet and envelopes and stuff that i have to complete in order to get letters of recommendation and the likes. it involves filling out forms and finding teachers to write my letters of rec. i have only one issues here, well maybe two. i have two teachers who i am confident in their recommendations: my art teacher, who knows me through and through, and my AP physics teacher, who saw me work hard in his class and make leaps and bounds of improvement and end up with a 5 on the AP test. since i need two academic teacher recommendations, i am stuck wondering who else to ask. no one else really knows me or can write that great of a letter for me, so i may just ask my math teacher from last year, hoping he can just do well enough. lastly, the packet includes writing which colleges your teachers need to send letters to, and that is stressful within itself because it means you have to decide!!!

so at the moment, things are pretty stale in the "me actually working part," but there is plenty of work to do that i am not doing, but am thinking about.

the choice

so lately i feel that MICA is my first choice (don't dwell, these things change as often as one changes their shirt, i would say underwear, but i haven't changed my mind that much yet).

i love MICA because of their superb housing (apartment style), their study abroad programs, the fact that they have a career center and good stats for jobs, and obviously they have the art programs i desire (illustration and ceramics). lastly, i am familiar with it because of my pre-college experience there.

despite all this loveliness, i find something missing. i think it has to do with the location because i desire a more wild, waterfront. baltimore has a stunning inner harbor with great shopping and other beautiful places, but it is more city focused rather than natural beauty. needless to say, baltimore is also a little sketchy, but i think i would learn to deal with it and stay safe.

so my head remains confused as ever and as lovely as some things in my life are right now, i also find myself confused and unsure with how to proceed. fuck.

the question remains: who am i and what do i want and what do i believe?

the receipt

in history class today, our guidance counselors had meetings with us individually, but first we had to fill out this sheet about us and our future and all that college-y type stuff on a piece of paper. don't let this deceive you, it was not in fact a piece of paper but three, in that receipt style where you write on one and it writes on all of them... if you mess up, you mess up on all of them... if you draw a pretty picture, it draws a pretty picture on all of them! these things only happen if you press hard enough and have the right pen (if i was with my friends i feel as if that line would have somehow been made dirty.)

anyhoo! the paper asked general things about me, in preparation for college applications.
it asked about:
my character & traits
my next chapter
my activities
possible fields of study
my future
academics & tests

parts of these were not unknown to me and easy to fill out, such as what schools i'm applying to, my fields of study, and my activities. however, it also brought new things to my attention.

when writing a little blurb in my future, i wrote how i wanted to go to 4 or 5 years of college and travel. how i want to gt out of california for a while and maybe i'll go to the peach corps. this isn't much news to me, but it was nice to know i have some idea where i'm heading.

in my activities section there was a place to write about family. i noted that i was the baby in the family. i also realized that my mom leaves me home while she travels, which shows that she has trust in me. somehow it just feels like i could write about that or use that for college somehow because i am responsible. i also noted that i don't spend too much time with my dad and that my parents are divorced, but i refuse to play that card while trying to apply to schools.

regarding my character & traits section, i struggle. i hate describing myself. my brain does not allow me to apply descriptions to myself, unless they are not positive. this means that i usually describe myself as sub-par. i like to pretend i see things more realistically, i am not incredible and that's just how it is. many of my friends are admirable though, some way more than others. they have things that make them shine. i don't know what makes me shine, i have yet to discover it, and until then i shall forever doubt i do. so, now that i've gone on a nice tangent, i want to list that section because it felt most important to me. who i am is a big deal and it matters because i am a human in this world and i have to live with me. call me selfish, i probably am, but i won't know how to work with others if i can't work myself. i also feel that in terms of college and essays that knowing me, rather than what my future is, will be more interesting and real. i will also feel more comfortable writing about something i believe in, rather than some bullshit i fabricate.

personality traits:
sensitive (the only word i will almost confidently apply to myself)
responsible (boring word, yeah!)
honest (most of the time)
conscientious

skills/talents:
artistic (i realize now i should have written creative)
singing (this was basically just to write something, both were, i do not actually believe i have talent in terms of my voice)

interests:
art (making it)
walks (see below)
beauty (in the world, i will drive places and walk places just to enjoy the view or some part of nature)

strengths:

(yes, you're reading that right, i didn't write anything down)

struggles:
procrastination! (times one billion!)

as i wrote that i realized that i also am interested in driving. i enjoy driving. filling out that section really opened up my mind, i tried hard to find words to describe myself. as many people around me, i settle with describing myself as 'being lucy'. my friends choose crazy and silly. i usually go with poop, but in the end we all agree on lucy. as my friend tells me, "you're just lucy, there's no other way to describe it." maybe someday there will be.

the doubt

i started off the day today not in a good mood and have come full circle back to a good mood.

in the middle of the day i was feeling better, i felt very optimistic. i started writing some answers to college prompts and brainstorming other ideas. other more personal matters were brought forth and talked about with a friend. being with friends was also fun and comfortable.

as the day went on though, i found myself getting discouraged with essays and my internal issues started to rise up again. i realize that i have nothing true to write about in my college essays that is interesting. i also do not think i am a good person and don't want to help the world. i feel selfish and mean and rude and like a spoil sport. this all leaves me feeling very ill and left without anything substantial to put into my essays.

i see the people close to me as beautiful souls, who are real and nice, it's why they are my friends. and i don't think i fit in with them and i hate blackening my company by being with them. and trying to find something to make me stand apart as they all are doing, seems impossible. someone in the world has to be average, and i feel i fall into that role.

the friends

i am currently at my friend's house with a bunch of friends working on college stuff and being social. most of us have laptops and we are all working, some of us are playing games or locking others out though.

i have continued to fill out my common application stuffs (application, test scores, and supplements). i am nervous about my art supplement, but i think it will work out all right. i have also started writing ideas about essays and putting all my essay information onto one page so i can see what i need to write and see if any of them relate.

it is strange to have to write about myself in such a way that will promote myself. i am pretty comfortable with myself, but i still have a super low self-esteem. oxymoron, i know. anyway, back on topic, i am comfortable in such a manner that i think of myself as a pretty average human being. i have a few talents, but nothing i feel that is worthy of writing into a college essay to make them love me and accept me.

college is intimidating, but feels achievable.

the other list

so i began writing down awards and achievements today. i realized there are a lot of bullshit things that "distinguish" people, like how i get recognition from like 7 different people for my good grades. this whole pressure to do perfect is crazy. i'm so glad i am not fully succumbing to it and am taking classes that make me happy this year.

besides my list of awards and achievements (which has the most random things at the moment), i have been looking at my list of colleges and finishing a chart i started about the schools i'm applying to. this chart involves showing the enrollment, if they have ceramics, if they have illustration, where they are, and their deadlines. my mother and i choose these columns based on what i was looking for in a school (highly recommend this method to people, it has helped me eliminate three schools, including PNCA today for being too small).

my current dilemma is over NSCAD and Maine College of Art (MECA) because i eliminated MECA for it only having about 424 students. i completely love MECA, it's in Portland, Maine that is beautiful and i liked what i saw when i toured it many years ago. for disliking the idea of that small number of kids, it seems unfair for me to keep NSCAD around, which has 798 students just because i seem so enamored by the idea of it. perhaps i am swept up in the magic of leaving the united states, which would be lovely beyond belief. i would also be able to visit family i have in maine and massachusetts more often via ferry and such. though seeing family would be easier if i went to MECA or Mass Art because my granddad was a temporary president at MECA and my grandparents live in portland and my aunt lives in boston.

current first choice art school:
MICA
current first choice liberal art schools:
Oberlin
Syracuse
Puget Sound

the picture

looking at Nova Scotia College of Art and Design (NSCAD) and totally fell in love with this picture of Halifax on the website. i am so putting this school on my list.

i added up expenses to go here based on what they say on the website and it would be 24,640 a year. this is looking mighty attractive.

alas, all good things must come to an end. as attractive as this school seems, it is small with 798 people, which if i add it, i will feel bad about taking Cornish and MECA off my lists for being small. ARGH!

the tutorial

we have a forty minute tutorial period at school in which we can get help from teachers or do homework. our administration has decided to use that time for our assemblies, especially our guidance assemblies. today, without any prior warning, we had a guidance assembly about college and "putting our puzzle pieces together."

so cheesy, and they might as well of just given us the handout they handed out and called it quits because they just talked about what was written on the handout. i guess it's nice to be told and not forced to read and the puzzle piece thing is cute, i suppose.

anyway, the only thing i got out of it was stress (some of it good, i am going to work on college stuff with my friends this weekend!) and the sadness that they tell me i should have 5 to 15 schools on my list now and narrow it down to 3 to 8 soon.

this makes me sad because i like my list of schools. i know it will be good to eliminate some, but i am just no sure what to do. should i visit them? should i stop pretending i could get accepted to/stand the cold at Wash U or Syracuse?

lastly, an update on how i feel about colleges right now: antsy, stressed, nervous, excited, and scared. as many have said before me, this is an exciting time for kids, we get to think about our future and make plans and the possibilities are fun to imagine. there's also a stress to it, that involves nasty words, fights, stress, sleep deprivation, and sighs. mostly though, stress is over applications and actually having to choose somewhere because i really enjoy this getting to know myself and letting my imagination create future possibilities.

for now, i am just trying to share more on the whole college shindig. i feel like i should post too much, rather than too little.

the email

so my granddad (perhaps that is spelled wrong, but i enjoy it more than grandad, cause it lets you know how he is a grand person!) emailed me today and it was all about my college search so here are parts of it, redone for your viewing pleasure!

"i am happily in school right now, with minor stresses in work, little sleep and college. I am taking two art classes to my delight and a metal shop class (not quite as delightful, but am looking forward to new skills and knowledge of how to work with my hands and be useful). I find time to spend with friends in addition to work and relaxing and reading. I also spend usually two extra hours at school in the art room, so I am content as ever.

as for choosing schools, i look at websites and see what they offer, where they are, and how big they are. as for what they offer i desired illustration and ceramics, at most any school i am looking at (granted many liberal arts schools don't offer those majors or programs necessarily). i found a website that provided me with information on schools that had illustration and did a material pick from those based on where they were and if i liked their name, etc. also my school provides me with a search program to find schools based on area and majors and that is how i found the schools in Canada, because I thought "why not look at Canada!?" plus i pay and get to be on their socialist, sweet health care plan, woo!"

i thought sharing this would be nice because i never really explained my process for my list, i don't think. not that the explanation above is all that great, but it gives more of a sense of what i'm up to rather than just a list.

the dull panic

i now have two schools to add to my list:
Pacific Northwest college of art (PNCA)
Syracuse

...and i choose yet another school where i can successfully turn myself into an ice cube, yay! but it has ceramics and illustration and it's a liberal arts school.

currently, i find myself stressed and ready to apply RIGHT NOW! i think this has something to do with me procrastinating homework and having a shit-tastic day in art class. so now i am nervous for portfolios and stressed about what to do in art class to enjoy myself and be prepared and i want to apply and there is so much i want to do and so little now. so instead of doing anything productive, i am sitting here writing this.

the second list

after a tabfest on the internet (i thought of you, emma, haha), i have narrowed my list down to ten schools i am applying to. there are still a few schools that i could look into and possibly apply to, but at this point, i just want to start applying!

schools i am applying to (names in parentheses is what i will refer to them as in the future!) :
University of California Santa Cruz (UCSC)
University of California Berkeley (Berkeley)
Maryland Institute College of Art (MICA)
Oberlin
Puget Sound
CSU Long Beach (Long Beach)
California College of the Arts (CCA)
Washington University in St. Louis, Missouri (Wash U)
Massachusetts College of Art and Design (Mass Art)
Ontario College of Art and Design (OCAD)

as my mother says "we need to look at them still and make sure we didn't fuck up." in other words, my list is not set in stone and my mom is awesome.

and yes, i will leave all of you for Canada and south park will animate me with a annoying head, eh.

the stall

school started and college has gone by the wayside for the moment. i am planning to get back into the swing of college soon, but as for now i am consumed by art class, errands, friends and homework. i'm busy and tired, but very content.

the thawts

all right, so i thought i would share my more personal feelings about college. it is the weirdest experience i think i have been through. a person usually thinks about what they want to do, but i really feel like i have to choose and decide right now. it's really scary. it's almost worse for me because i have to choose between art school or simply a liberal arts school. of course, others have worked harder to achieve dreams of Stanford or Berkeley, but my decision feels more pivotal.
my decision feels so intense because i just spent a month this summer at an art pre-college program and my teacher told me he would rather hire an art director who went to an art school instead of a liberal arts school. not that that is the job i am looking for, but it doesn't encourage me to go to a liberal arts school.

a very, very large part of me wants to attend a liberal arts college because i want a broad education. i want to be able to take physics classes and spanish classes. art schools do not, as i understand, provide the most stimulating academic classes.
so i find myself torn between an intense art world that i think i would come to love and possibly could learn to live in and a liberal arts education leading to a more general lifestyle of management instead of illustrator (as i am considering now).
when it come down to it, i want both. i see myself as a traitor to academics and a traitor to art. i am not welcome in either world, i do not fit into either world entirely and it leaves me pondering what will be best for my future.

both sides pull me from day to day: i love making art, but doubt i have what it takes to make it in the art world, i just don't care about the art world enough to actually pay attention.
while on the other hand: liberal arts is safe and will allow me to try more things out before figuring out what i want to do with my life.

i just looked over this post and it doesn't really describe how lost i feel and how hopeless this feels. i want to go to art school, but i do not know how i will do in an artist's lifestyle. when i tell people i honestly do not believe i could make it as an artist, it comes from an honest evaluation of my work compared to others around me. yes, yes, i hear a chorus of "don't compare yourself to others" resounding in my head, but art is something everyone can do and i feel stupid as me trying to even compete with those people who have more talent and drive than i do. it seems a hopeless case. i am not giving up, but it feels hard to push yourself when you are an average girl who is only okay at everything, instead of so many around me with passion and love and devotion for so many different things.

the realization

today i was thinking about my blog and realized that i had not looked at "my colleges" on naviance (the website my school uses to connect our family to school information, mostly centered around colleges, i will put a link below if you want to check it out or are confused)... anyway i had not looked at that list while making my last list, so i had forgotten about other schools that I was wanting to look into.

http://www.naviance.com/parents-students/what-is-it.html

an updated list of schools i am looking into:
Art Institute of Boston
Wesleyan
Lewis & Clark
Moore College of Art and Design
Rocky Mountain College of Art and Design
Mass. College of Art and Design
Pacific Northwest College of Art
Pepperdine
Art Institute of Pittsburgh
University of Caslifornia San Francisco
Cornish College of the Arts
Pennsylvania Academy of Fine Arts
Reed
Ontario College of Art and Design

the list

schools i am applying to for sure:
University of California Santa Cruz
Maryland Institute College of Art

schools i need to visit (but am 95% sure i'm applying to):
Oberlin
Puget Sound
Washington University in St. Louis
CSU Long Beach
California College of the Arts

schools i am considering applying to:
Stanford (note here: i mostly want to apply for funsies to see if i can get in with art and legacy)
Berkeley
CSU Monterey

schools i am looking into:
Art Institute of Boston
Wesleyan
Lewis & Clark
Moore College of Art and Design
Rocky Mountain College of Art and Design
Massachusetts College of Art and Design
Pacific Northwest College of the Arts

the beginning

So the college search sucks, but is really exciting and interesting at the same time. A significant part of why it sucks(besides essays, stress and standardized testing) is that everyone asks you questions about it, which is why I am choosing to blog about it.

Ah, the internet.

At this moment I am somewhat into my college search. I have a good list of possible places to apply to, which I will post at some point, and I have some idea of where I am heading in the career world. With that said, the essays scare my shitless because I hate writing essays and feel that I have nothing much significant to write about my life. This is going to be an interesting journey into my brain...