the doubt

i started off the day today not in a good mood and have come full circle back to a good mood.

in the middle of the day i was feeling better, i felt very optimistic. i started writing some answers to college prompts and brainstorming other ideas. other more personal matters were brought forth and talked about with a friend. being with friends was also fun and comfortable.

as the day went on though, i found myself getting discouraged with essays and my internal issues started to rise up again. i realize that i have nothing true to write about in my college essays that is interesting. i also do not think i am a good person and don't want to help the world. i feel selfish and mean and rude and like a spoil sport. this all leaves me feeling very ill and left without anything substantial to put into my essays.

i see the people close to me as beautiful souls, who are real and nice, it's why they are my friends. and i don't think i fit in with them and i hate blackening my company by being with them. and trying to find something to make me stand apart as they all are doing, seems impossible. someone in the world has to be average, and i feel i fall into that role.

the friends

i am currently at my friend's house with a bunch of friends working on college stuff and being social. most of us have laptops and we are all working, some of us are playing games or locking others out though.

i have continued to fill out my common application stuffs (application, test scores, and supplements). i am nervous about my art supplement, but i think it will work out all right. i have also started writing ideas about essays and putting all my essay information onto one page so i can see what i need to write and see if any of them relate.

it is strange to have to write about myself in such a way that will promote myself. i am pretty comfortable with myself, but i still have a super low self-esteem. oxymoron, i know. anyway, back on topic, i am comfortable in such a manner that i think of myself as a pretty average human being. i have a few talents, but nothing i feel that is worthy of writing into a college essay to make them love me and accept me.

college is intimidating, but feels achievable.