the thawts

all right, so i thought i would share my more personal feelings about college. it is the weirdest experience i think i have been through. a person usually thinks about what they want to do, but i really feel like i have to choose and decide right now. it's really scary. it's almost worse for me because i have to choose between art school or simply a liberal arts school. of course, others have worked harder to achieve dreams of Stanford or Berkeley, but my decision feels more pivotal.
my decision feels so intense because i just spent a month this summer at an art pre-college program and my teacher told me he would rather hire an art director who went to an art school instead of a liberal arts school. not that that is the job i am looking for, but it doesn't encourage me to go to a liberal arts school.

a very, very large part of me wants to attend a liberal arts college because i want a broad education. i want to be able to take physics classes and spanish classes. art schools do not, as i understand, provide the most stimulating academic classes.
so i find myself torn between an intense art world that i think i would come to love and possibly could learn to live in and a liberal arts education leading to a more general lifestyle of management instead of illustrator (as i am considering now).
when it come down to it, i want both. i see myself as a traitor to academics and a traitor to art. i am not welcome in either world, i do not fit into either world entirely and it leaves me pondering what will be best for my future.

both sides pull me from day to day: i love making art, but doubt i have what it takes to make it in the art world, i just don't care about the art world enough to actually pay attention.
while on the other hand: liberal arts is safe and will allow me to try more things out before figuring out what i want to do with my life.

i just looked over this post and it doesn't really describe how lost i feel and how hopeless this feels. i want to go to art school, but i do not know how i will do in an artist's lifestyle. when i tell people i honestly do not believe i could make it as an artist, it comes from an honest evaluation of my work compared to others around me. yes, yes, i hear a chorus of "don't compare yourself to others" resounding in my head, but art is something everyone can do and i feel stupid as me trying to even compete with those people who have more talent and drive than i do. it seems a hopeless case. i am not giving up, but it feels hard to push yourself when you are an average girl who is only okay at everything, instead of so many around me with passion and love and devotion for so many different things.